That moment.

I wanted to write about this as I have supported many people in the last months who are at similar points. People are under too much pressure, and people are completely exhausted. They cannot be present and experience joy. It’s an overwhelming bleak place. I recognise this from my own experience and how I felt.

As gorgeous as the photos above are, I haven’t been able to look at them for four years.

I went on a ‘holiday of a lifetime’ with two besties a few years ago. It was my dream holiday.

We travelled to Italy (Pompeii, the Isle of Ischia and Naples). It was everything I had planned as a young woman. I finally had the financial stability to go and enjoy a holiday away with my friends.

When I look at these photos, they bring up how overwhelmed and low I felt. I was in such a negative head space and wearing a mask of happiness. This holiday was nine months before I finally had my mega breakdown. Looking at these photos is a time warp to the pain I was feeling at that time. Regardless of how lovely they are, they take me straight back to that.

I felt isolated and unable to connect with my amazing friends at the time (patient and understanding people they are). It wasn’t for being left out; it was because I couldn’t shake this constant feeling of anxiety.

I had lost my joy

I couldn't enjoy the beauty, relax, be present, be my best fun self with the people I loved or just be me.

I was in Italy; it was fascinating and stunning, with a constant potential level of awe, but there was too much in my mind keeping these new beautiful memories away from enabling me to enjoy the experience fully.

I would relive anxious conversations in my head, replaying over and over. Scenarios of 'what if'. These conversations and situations were louder and more consuming than the actual moments when things happened. This feeling has tainted my experience at this time.

It's clear now that I had felt this way for a long time. For the previous three years straight. I had never confronted or dealt with what had happened to me in the past. Or what was happening to me presently. It also significantly impacted the unpredictable future, which filled me with what I now know as anxiety.

All of this was bursting through my brain and destroying my joy.

That moment.

When you realise…

·       That feeling I should be working or doing something

·       Something unknown and genuinely awful was going to happen

·       That lurking, invasive feeling that something terrible is about to happen

·       I should of said ‘xwz’ and now everything is going to crumble

… it doesn’t have to be this way.

I didn't understand or know that this wasn't healthy. I know now that back then, my anxiety was screaming at me to stop and rest. I also knew I needed to deal with my situation once I had the brain power and understanding.

My anxiety created this unreal but what felt like real fear. I had orchestrated all of these feelings for myself. I had no boundaries; my life was open to being exploited by people. I was always ready to put everyone and anyone else's priority before mine.

It was a little while before the straw broke the camel's back. I finally started seeing what I had been doing. All of this was in my control and my choice because I chose not to prioritise myself. Also, I was letting down those I love by not prioritising myself. Have you heard the phrase 'You can't pour from an empty cup'?

When I finally broke and was written off work for three months, I could not think of those intrusive thoughts; this was due to immediate triggering migraines and emotional episodes that I struggled to control. My brain finally took charge and said, 'no more, you've got to deal'. I decided enough was enough, and I started to ask myself these important questions:

I then stewed over these questions for some time "What could I control? Why did I do this?"

Why had it got so messy and impossible?

Everything I did at that time came from a naive, optimistic place. It was from a yearning place of peace and harmony. By a bit of my self-sacrifice, I would create a more harmonious environment and enable people and organisations to be happy and flourish. This precedent was how it all started. Well-meaning intentions, for others, without consideration for myself. Little did I know that this is the most unsustainable approach to harmony in the long run.

What has been the answer for me to heal and work stronger going forwards?

(1) Time

It took a lot of time to unpack everything and sort it through. This whole process took time, a lot of time, sleep and emotional support from people in my life.

(2) Know yourself

I asked myself essential questions to understand what went wrong and learn from those lessons.

First and foremost, I needed to know, what I needed, prioritise it, and protect it with boundaries. By knowing who I am and why I want to do what I want to do, I can have the confidence to pursue that authentically.

This approach opened up a world I hadn't anticipated. Rather than being subjected to the worst-case scenario, your anxiety is saying it will happen. I was drawn to authentic people and opportunities that have changed my life for the better.

(3) Work through that anxiety

Anxiety is there for a reason. It's to help you survive. It's there to protect you.

Further to 'knowing myself', I needed to understand what was jarring in me about what I had experienced, why it was and how it was best to change it.

Seeking therapy helped me to understand what was reasonable and what wasn't. I have done a lot of journaling to understand why it got so bad for me.

Where I could, I actioned what I needed, and it removed the anxiety, and where I couldn't, I forgave. Not an easy thing to do, but it is the most liberating.

I've had hard conversations with compassion and explained why I needed what I needed. I have no regrets about this process whatsoever, just mental freedom now.

(4) Boundaries

You have to speak out.

I said no to things for a change. Things that didn't fill me with excitement or would get me nearer to where I needed to be.

Talking things through with people I trust has been invaluable. They helped me understand that other people's behaviours are unacceptable, and they need to have boundaries around them. I shared this fantastic video in the last one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WpdsRPzKco

(5) Find your way back to yourself

It's so easy to lose your way. When you are obsessed with harmony and ensuring everyone else is happy and ok, you lose track of the most powerful part of how you can control your situation, YOU.

Developing truthful and honest awareness is crucial, and it takes time. It takes a lot of time. Your future self will thank you.

(6) Find time for a bit of creativity

There are many studies about the importance of creativity for well-being. Drs are social prescribing art to patients as an effective mechanism to help with depression and anxiety.

However, creativity for years was frowned upon in so many professional industries. Years and years of conditioning tell us creativity is not worthy of real-time. It is clear this doesn't hold much stock anymore. With the increase in disconnect and misunderstanding, I believe creativity is a source of grounding, empathy and a way back for us all.

I am so glad I found my way back to my creativity, as I believe this has been a massive part of my restoration.

Now I feel complete. Not entirely who I was, but someone with more awareness and peace, with tools to get me through more challenging times and help others with theirs.

I now plan to turn these images into works of art, turning triggering memories into cathartic beauty.

Why not create your way to better self-understanding and restoration?